Tag Archives: journal

Psychological Displacement

Ever feel psychologically displaced?
Lately my opening lines have been optimistically poised in the form of questions.
I’m not 100% sure what it means to be psychologically displaced- if it’s a cool term I just made up a couple minutes ago or if it’s a real thing.
Let’s assume I’m making it up, that way I can take full creative liberties.
Psychological Displacement is when you can’t find your anchor inside you- the one that tells you you’re real.
For instance, some minutes ago, my co-worker and I were toying with the idea of taking a class together.
I was going on about how much I miss school, and she was going on about how dumb she is, so we flipped through the community college’s course catalog.
Of course, we had to focus on courses without pre-requisites, but I was still excited.
Then I couldn’t find anything that interests me.
There’s got to be a thousand courses in there, and not one makes me feel anything.
This is very unusual.
Am I depressed?
But I can’t feel it.
Then again, I am sucking on a butterscotch lollipop.
My mind is usually very active.
I often find myself telling me to shut up.
Especially at 4 AM, I wake up and it’s like I’m a tiger running at full speed through a jungle, except that the monkeys hanging along the way are all people nagging about something.
But at this very moment, nothing or no one engages my attention.
I could plan a vacation, but that usually implies flying (flying+me= panic attacks).
There are a few tasks I could work on in the office, but that usually implies working.
I probably need a good novel.

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The other day I almost kidnapped a hen on this street. That was sort of exciting.

I don’t follow too many people on social media.
It depresses me when other bloggers don’t engage.
I probably need something like a friend or something.
My husband texts me usually every day but he’s really busy and doesn’t get my jokes.
It’s ok I guess. He tries.
Well not the jokes.
He doesn’t even pretend to get them.
Hardly anyone does.
Idk maybe I’m not amusing.
Maybe my cuteness is an illusion of mine.
Or delusion?
At church all I ever want to do is draw.
I sit in the corner so no one sees me.
I think I’m going to start going to an English-speaking congregation on the side.
Maybe I’ll make new friends.
Or at least I’ll get to draw new people.
The thing missing in me is passion.
Everything seems to have already been done.
Overkilled.
I still take great pictures.
But it seems like it’s enough that I see them.
I have no pressing need to share them, like before.
Maybe I’m lonely.
But not for people in general.
I should’ve had a sister.
My ex-psychologist once told me life screwed me over by not giving me a sister.
I have these friends: B. and C.
B. is my best friend.
But she is the female personality version of my husband.
Super ultra mega busy.
She’s always there when you need her, but it better be important.
C. is easy to talk to and very creative.
But she doesn’t open up to me about her own life problems, so she’s more of a therapist than a friend.
R. is another friend.
We communicate in the same wavelength but unfortunately she’s 15.
Starting to get a bit too mature.
Other than that I don’t have close friends.
Just acquaintances and cats.
Maybe I need to change my entire approach to life.
Maybe drinking isn’t the answer.

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Remember to come up with a title before you publish this

I haven’t posted anything in a while.
That is a classic line used by all bloggers when they are about to write a lame blog post.
Which this probably will end up being.
It’s late Thursday.
Husband’s in the shower.
That gives me about 10 minutes to write this post and tag it before he starts to “subtly” complain.
There are a lot of great things about marriage but that is one thing I hate- having to accommodate my night schedule to his.
Ok… well i did warn you about the quality of this post.
The ongoing heat’s stressing me out.
And there’s a little bug that keeps landing on my head but I can’t quite manage to kill it.

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Temperatures are cooling next week! Yay!

I have spent the better part of tonight going over my personal finances and am quite upset at myself that I am so much in debt.
Mostly it’s just my student loan and the house’s closing costs that my generous brother lent me.
Also all that time after I graduated during which I wasn’t working full time,  I still had to buy a  few basic necessities.
(Like those dresses in Milan.)
Oh and then there’s my invisalign.
I just miss being free of all those obligations.
It doesn’t feel like it was all that long ago that I was doing what I loved.
I should have never let anyone tell me what was important.
I should have never-
(Oh I think I finally got the bug.)
Husband is trying to sleep.

A Price on Happiness

I thought you couldn’t put a price on happiness…
What would you do with a 40% raise?
They said I was crucial, so I translated that into a fluffy round number.
I thought they were going to have a heart attack.
But unfortunately, they agreed to the raise.
40% more.
Just enough to cover my transportation costs and my long commute hours.
I was really looking forward to going home for lunch and working with my homegirlz.
(I was a teenager in the 90s).
This morning I awoke at 5:45 AM regretting my decision.
How ideal it would have been to bike to work at 8!
😥
Why did I sell out what I really wanted?
Every part of me wanted the lower-paying local receptionist job. Every part.
Then the transmission on my husband’s truck gave out.
I thought, ‘Great! I’ll work close by so he can just use my car.’
Life hands you a problem, God hands you a solution.
Then my potential new employer said I was too expensive and she could only afford me 4 days/week not 5.
‘Wonderful!’ thought I. ‘More time to do the things I like. Volunteer work and preparing for my state exam.’
Then my assistant pretty much quit and my bosses tried to put a price on my head.
So I did the math.
It’s the same number sites like salary.com say I should be making.
I knew that was way above their expectations so they’d act like sore losers, deny me of my raise and sense of pride, after which we’d spend an awkward last two weeks together with me trying to bring people up to speed, pretending to type extensive manuals that would only have lots of vignettes and pretty bullet points that were all blank.
I fretted all weekend.
I came to terms with my new simple lifestyle that had more time for spirituality.
I embraced my new town.
Then Monday morning rolled around.
I got to work late, as I do every Monday, and was immediately beckoned into their office.
I thought they’d try to negotiate.
I was ready for it.
Let the fire start.
But no.
They pretty much succumbed to my enchantments.
I was beside myself.
“But anyone could do my job.”
“We need you.”
“I’m really not even that good. Have you noticed how much I procrastinate?”
“Your role is special.”
“Listen- I have to tell you about this blog that I write-”
“Don’t you like working here?”
“Well yes but only when no one else is here-”
“We’ve invested a lot into training you. We know you won’t let us down.”
I extended my hand to thank them for the opportunity- that was a mistake- and my manager said, “I’m glad you’re staying. ”
Apparently in business when you shake hands it explicitly means you’re closing a deal.
I got no chance to think about it.
No chance to pray about it.
No chance to talk it over with Mr. Husband.
Just like that *poof* my new reality of biking to work and going home for lunch was gone.
What have I done to myself?
What have I done to my marriage?

Ohhhh 😦
Why couldn’t they just not value me like before?
Why didn’t I try harder to be a bad employee?
Wasn’t I lazy enough?
Was I too early coming in at 9:15?
Were the flip-animations I drew on the edge of Post-It pads too short?
Could I have been a little more racist toward some of our international customers?
My brother congratulated me and told me to see it as if I’m getting paid to come see my parents, since they only live 5 minutes from where I work.
But who wants to see their parents?
Hopefully I pass my state exam and it’s only for a few more months.
But now- I’m probably the most miserable person to have ever gotten a 40% raise.
I will therefor spend the rest of today’s work day looking through a home deco magazine full of fancy items which I guess I can now afford.
Ugh! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Home for Lunch

Not sure when the last time I went home for lunch was, but it’s got to be-

I’m not sure I’ve ever gone home to have lunch since I moved back to the States from Mexico!

Sure, I’ve often gone to my parents‘ home for lunch, and once I even made my husband lunch at their place, but it’s not the same.

I’ve only been in this new house for two and a half weeks, and we don’t even have a bed so we’ve been sleeping in the trailer…

It’s actually really romantic; the window from the bed has an awesome clear view of the northern sky.

Our neighbor right behind us got really mad that we put our trailer out there and told my husband he’d sue us.

I feel bad for the neighbor, I really do.

Sometimes I want to invite him over to our yard so he can appreciate the view again.

The guy’s pretty old so my cousin says to just give him a couple years.

Maybe I’ll paint a mountain scene on the side of the trailer so he doesn’t miss the view.

Today, I went for my trial run at the new Receptionist job that’s only a few minutes from *home.*

They’re really disorganized but other than that, I really liked it.

For example, at my present job- I’ve only not been able to find one chart in the two years that I’ve been there.

But today, at this trial job, out of about ten patients, we only found three.

And I didn’t even find them myself- the doctor’s daughter did.

I scored zero on that task.

But I did fairly well, I think, on others.

So the doctor asked me if she should schedule training me in a software, which I interpret to mean she means to make me a formal job offer.

I didn’t expect her to make that type of proposition til the end of tomorrow.

I made chitchat with her while I ran the pros and cons in the back of my mind.

Pro: home for lunch.

Con: can’t find patient charts.

Pro: five minutes to work.

Con: i don’t really know her.

Pro:  five minutes from work.

Con: there is a depressed beta fish in a tiny fish bowl on the front counter.

Pro: not a 1 hr 45 minute daily commute…

You get the idea.

I had to tell my present-job manager what’s going on because she asked me if we should hire my temporary assistant permanently.

I couldn’t think of a way to withhold the information about me leaving while still giving her enough information to make the best decision for the company.

Of course, she and the doctor offered me a raise.

And a signing bonus.

After roughly doing the math, I would still make significantly more in this simplistic local receptionist job once I average out hours invested + gas + car repairs.

My manager said I am crucial to the company and there is no one who can just come and replace me.

“Well yeah, that’s exactly what I said a month ago when you told me there’s a ton of people just waiting to do my job!”

I didn’t really answer them like that.

What’s the point of rubbing it in?

I’m not six years old.

They’re losing me.

What could be worse than that?

The point is, I got her to admit it.

Maybe I’m getting too cocky.

Maybe it’ll all fall apart tomorrow.

I had such a huge headache this morning and body-aches because my body actually has this way of going into self-destruct mode any time I rely on it to perform well.

In other words, I always get my period on very important days.

But after I came home for lunch… I felt so much lighter.

I felt…

Content.

So when I was going over the pros and the cons in the back of my head while making chitchat with this new doctor today… I also prayed about it.

I’m not a prophet, but God knows exactly how to talk to me.

Ye Ol’ Blog Post

Life Updates:
I have glue dots on my teeth.
I look Frankensteinesque.
I’ve resolved not to smile til my orthodontist takes them off.

Speaking of smiles, my general dentist wants to hire me.
Her practice is five minutes away from my new home.
For anyone not familiar with my life, that’s 5 minutes vs the 55 minutes of my current work commute.
That’s when I drive my own car instead of taking the bus.
That would give me between 8-10 hours per week to do what normal people do.
Cook.
Shower.
Sleep.
Read.
Socialize.
Haha! Just kidding.
Not socialize.
I’m not ready for that.
Whew.

I’m obviously getting overly excited by the possibilities.

Yes, she is the same dentist in whose chair I broke out crying that time I was arguing with my escrow loan broker over text messages.
If I had known she was going to offer me a job, I would have made a bigger scene.
Wailed even.

So, not my dream job; I’d just handle scheduling and calls while my friend concentrates on billing.
None of this customer service order processing silly stuff I have to do where I’m at now.
My dentist is a normal dentist though, with a decently sized staff.
Here it’s just the doctor’s assistant, (whose job I took), my assistant, (who’s no longer my friend), and myself.
My manager, as we will remember, is never to be seen, and the doctor here goes on lecture tours about every 5 weeks.
Not only that, Tuesdays and Thursdays they work out of another office, and no one comes Friday mornings but me.
As a result, I am highly self-supervised.
(And damn good at it).

Still, as I am not generally recognized as a strong authority figure, there can be issues.
Last week they were out of town and my assistant brought her sister, who also works in the dental field,  over to show her the office.
I snapped at her when she started explaining our production methods.
Our other coworker, the dental assistant, thinks I overreacted.
I think it was very unprofessional of my assistant to bring her sister to our packing area.

Yesterday, her sister confronted me at church and told me I’d hurt her feelings.
Boo-hoo.
She said I shouldn’t apply the rules to everyone.
Oh please forgive me, why was I such an ethical employee…

…You can understand why my assistant is no longer my friend.
But eh who needs friends.
I’ve got cats.
And a husband who tries really hard to please me even though he doesn’t always understand how I feel.
Or why I yell.
Parents who…
Well they have a great sense of humor.
And a few real friends who know better than to make me choose between them and my means of living.

I have to go to the new office and work two days to see if my new boss and I will fit each other.
I already got my assistant to cover me here but I don’t know whether or not to tell my manager yet.
If I tell her, it’ll have to be tomorrow.
Friday, right before I leave.
Ruin her weekend just like she ruins Mondays.

The truth is, when I asked for a raise, she said she didn’t think I was worth more and that there were a ton of people who can do just what I do.
Ha!
Who could possibly multitask between two separate businesses and blog at the same time?
Sometimes even while eating and still catching not just my own mistakes, but those of others?

Maybe it’s time to move on.
Besides, my stalker hasn’t called in two weeks.
If he can do it, so can I.

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I probably won't be able to do this at my next job.

Curly Haired vs. Straight Haired

The pros of curly-haired personalities:
-laid-back
-easy to get along with
-quiet
-creative
-artistic
-intelligent
-independent thinker

We tend to be non-confrontational but at the same time non-conforming.

The pros of straight-haired personalities:
-prettier overall
-more controlling
-influential
-popular
-trendy
-self-confident
-professional

Straight-haired people are less sensitive to how they affect others’ feelings but tend to be more successful throughout the day.

This is based on my personal observations being a head of curls…*
*NOT A SCIENTIFIC STUDY
So please don’t cite me in JAMA.

If you are one or the other (you may also be Wavy or Bald) and the mental picture of the person of your dreams has the opposite of what your partner has…
(i.e.: you wanted a straight black haired wife but your girlfriend is a crazy curly brunette)
You either need to love her for who she is, entirely, curls and all, or do her a favor and break up with her ASAP.
Because if 12 years into your marriage you’re still trying to get her to straighten her hair “to look better,” then you will make her miserable.
She will hate herself and want to die or perhaps want to hurt you back.

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Exciting News. I guess.

I remember the Golden Age of blogging.
Back then I’d get up to 2 page views per day.
Once I even got 4 likes.
Nowadays I’m lucky if I have one visit per week.
Blogging is in a way Survival of the Fittest, I suppose, but I just refuse to quit.
My third grade teacher told me I was going to be a writer and I’m sticking to that.
Still… Some days I can’t help but wonder what she saw in me.

Sure, we got the house alright, and that is super exciting and all, and I would have shared the news here first…
With the loyal readers who are intimately familiar with my dramatic backstory…
How I was so poor after college and totally suicidal and then pretty much homeless six months ago, living on less than $1000/month (trust me, that’s nothing in Southern California)…
And now in what seems close to a miracle, suddenly a homeowner.
And not just any home…
A creek runs through the back yard (or would run through it if we weren’t in a drought)…
Tons of squirrels…
Lovely neighborhood in which we literally saw Magneto walking down the street the other day.
The town is a haven for painters, playwrights and musicians.
I fit in.

Yes, I am happy, and I want to tell the whole world.
But my loyal readers are more of an abstract concept than real people, so this happy ending didn’t get the momentum I would’ve enjoyed.

I was going to post the following pics on Facebook but my husband says it is insensitive of me cause a lot of people at our church are losing their homes.
Yeah.
I’m so insensitive.

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As you can see, the house is plagued by giant pink happy cloud monsters.
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...again, under attack.
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Our realtor brought us this house warming gift.
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This isn't manipulated. There actually were two giant birds on our bodies.
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Random anonymous new homeowner's (cute) feet.

Boring Blog Post #2,348

I haven’t written anything in a few days so I have to warm up.
“Do Re Mi Fa…”
Does other bloggers’ autocorrect also delete entire phrases from posts they’re working on or is that just on my phone?
It’s like it’s telling me: stop being silly and get to work.
But I’m telecommuting half this week… Or at least I was supposed to be.
What’s actually happened and which no one could have foreseen so of course no one is to blame is that I’ve spent the week lying around playing with my cats, leaving my work project for the weekend, which will culminate in an exciting action-packed Sunday all-nighter, since my deadline is Monday morning.
I love work deadlines.
They’re so much more fun than 9-5.
My manager sent me an email earlier this week saying I gots to finish the project cause she can’t afford to keep paying my assistant.
Which sucks cause my assistant is my friend.
Or was my friend.
Before I started telling her what to do.
Well you can be a supervisor or you can be a friend but you can’t be both at the same time.
Today I’m going to show her the email so she doesn’t think I wanted her to leave.
In any case, I did have that interview at the art store, which may or may not have gone well.
We’ll see.

Oh yeah! We’re supposed to close escrow today but let’s see what other pleasant surprises the underwriter or broker have in store for us…

within you is an elephant
I’ve also invested time into testing out alternate endings on personality quizzes.

What Would Your Favorite Book Taste Like?

I am eating huckleberries.

Guess what my favorite book is…

Perhaps not my all time #1 favorite, but I’ve read it so many times it’d be hard to argue that it’s not.

Anything by Mark Twain is absolutely entertaining and full of points to reflect on as far as human nature and social justice is concerned, not to mention written in a manner that is brilliantly engaging and romantic.

My manager gave me a few huckleberries at work, probably trying to compensate for not giving me a raise last time I requested it, not to mention also making feel completely replaceable and unworthy, and I am just now getting the chance to nibble on them.

Today was Invasalign (I keep mispelling misspelling that) Day-

Let me start that sentence over.

Today was Invisalign Day 1.

Morning was weird. I have been hungry for the better part of today. Evening has been painful.

Swollen misery dripping from the second hands of every clock in a 25 mile readius.

Radius.

Whatever.

I knew I was a nibbler; I always have been.

For example, today it took me an hour and a half to finish a medium plate of tortellini.

But on top of that I tend to eat snacks throughout the day!

A cookie here. A lollipop there.

Donuts. Granola bars. Sandwiches. Apples. Pears. You name it.

I am always nibbling on something, on the hour.

I did not realize how adversely my diet would be changed now that I have to wear the trays practically 24/7.

I have entered a state of perpetual hunger.

(A two-year state of perpetual hunger).

Even so, I am very happy.

The orthodontist who is seeing me has a PlayStation station in his waiting room and the staff there is very good with kids.

The round lamps on the ceiling have eyelashes. It’s the cutest thing.

I’ll try to get a picture next time.

I wish we had a Play Station in the office I work.

I am not attracted to any field in dentistry, but if I were, it would definitely be Ortho.

That said, another very exciting thing happened today-

The art store I frequent wants to interview me for an opening they have.

It’s not that I don’t have a passion for endo (that is literally the opposite of my boss’s slogan), it’s just that I don’t see myself working as a receptionist/office assistant/customer service rep/sales rep/web-whatever-it-is-I’m-supposed-to-be-doing-online person for the rest of my life.

Unless it’s in Italy.

In which case, I have an embarrassing passion for endo.

Today was a beautiful day.

My father achieved a long-time spiritual goal of his.

My mother who has been a role-model for our family in a spiritual sense was as happy as I have ever seen her.

Yes, today was a very good day.

I am down to the last huckleberry.

Soon, I will have to put my trays back in.

I face a long night of trying to decide whether I want to drive tomorrow and risk my car breaking down or ride the bus and have to get up earlier.

But today was a day of blessings.

Morning Free Write

I woke up today a little more excited than usual so I am funneling that energy into a 5-10 minute free write.
My husband and I are getting ready to buy our first home.
He is already on Zillow even though we usually don’t get up til 8:15 on Saturdays.
Well technically we’re still in bed, but we’re both wide awake.
Our cats are staying with my parents since their home is a lot cooler than our temporary RV home and wow why am I talking about the weather.
There is something that has me perturbed in the back of my head and that is that my manager has decided to send me on a business trip.
Last week I was fed up with being bullied by my coworker and being the monkey in the middle of all the communication mishaps so I got a couple of job interviews.
One was supposed to be today, and it was for my type of dream job, taking photos of pre-school kids.
The problem was it’s commission only and no gas-reimbursement.
I still have a huge student loan to pay off so it felt irresponsible and too risky to switch into photography again.
I also feel like my boss and manager are depending more and more on me each day and it is overwhelming at times.
In my new role I am doing the job my coworker used to do 6 hrs/day plus what I would do 4 hrs/day, compacted into an 8 hr. day, which is usually only a 7-7:30 hr. day because I, uhm, arrive late and tend to take long lunches.
Ok so maybe part of the stress is my fault, but still, sales are growing considerably and we have two new distributors, one in Europe and another in Africa.
All of this should be reason to feel excited but me, I’m just overwhelmed.
Maybe cause I don’t get a cut of the sales growth… I don’t know.
My husband says that I can go back to part time if I want but I need to pay off that loan and also I have my heart set on a Tesla.
I’m just not career-motivated I guess.
Though I’d still like to become a certified interpreter.
Good grief, who gets me?
If you are wondering how my mom is, she is better.
Thanks for wondering.

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Donut Cloud is an omen of good things to come