Tag Archives: husband

Advice on Befriending a Married Person of the Opposite Sex

If you are a married person,  don’t invite your spouse’s ex-BFF to dinner telling your spouse last minute when said ex-BFF has only kept in touch with you but ignored your spouse for the last five years.

And if you are the ex-BFF, don’t keep in touch with your ex-BFF’s spouse for five years after you called your then BFF to tell her she is a whining, self-serving hypocrite while she was at school and you’ve  made her cry in public and then ignored her for five years.

Just saying.

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What do you do Wednesday night?

I sit alone here dunking Trader Joe’s Chocolate Coated Chocolate Chip Dunkers cookies into my orange juice.
Typically I would be complaining about my day to my husband while he cooks me dinner, but apparently someone at church did something stupid cause he called me and said he has to stay there til who knows when.

He is more understanding than I am.
I don’t see why his life just can’t revolve around me the way mine revolves around him.
There he must go trying to save the world again.
Or a lost soul.
What about me?
I tried Facebook but no one’s even on it.
Maybe cause I blocked half my friends.
They were kinda boring.
Twitter’s pretty slow today too.
I guess people just have kids and then they have to put them to bed on Wednesdays.
???
Glad that’s not me.
Nope.
I prefer the cookies.
Kids are probably not edible.

Last night I had this fantastic dream that I bioengineered a microorganism that feeds off of the dead or ill part of a plant, disintegrating it, so the rest of the plant survives.
I was so cool.
Why can’t I be like that in real life?
Cool n stuff.
Smart too.

And why do I always fall for guys that are way outta my league?
(Husband included).
Why couldn’t I just have fallen in love with someone ugly?
Then he wouldn’t be popular or successful and we could actually spend time together.
Sure, he’d have to wear a mask, but he could take it off in the dark.

Oh great now I’ve gotten cookie crumbs all over the bed.
At least they’re not baby crumbs.

“I Wouldn’t Leave You for an Italian”

My conscience was bothering me on account of the Italian doctor with whom I had an emotional affair over the course of last week.

Well it was more like an imaginary affair considering we technically never exchanged words.

I did thank him once for fixing my boss’s computer, but I’m not even sure he heard me.

I think the couple times he came over to chat I just turned red and my coworker or boss did all the talking.

The point is- in my head we lived happily ever after so I felt terrible around my husband, like I had totally betrayed him.

I decided to confess what had happened and my husband said,

“Frankly, if you were to leave me for an Italian to go live in Italy, I would’ve done the same thing.”

That took a great load off my shoulders.
It is wonderful to have such an understanding husband.
We finally see eye to eye in something.
I think I’ll let him come stay with us in Italy.

Just kidding.
I wouldn’t leave my husband for another man.
Not even for an Italian doctor.
Now, whether I’d leave him for a lifetime’s supply of gelato…?

This is quite troubling.

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Just when I think I've passed the ultimate test of my morale...

A Short Story About a Tool

Husband: “I’m going to buy a wrench at the 99¢ store.”

Wife: “But there’s a tool store right next to it.”

_______(25 minutes later…)________

…Wife is still in the car and she sees the husband walk from the 99¢ store into the tool store.