Tag Archives: funny

The “Stop Blogging” Award

Are you an amateur poet who recently took up writing as a result of a breakup?

Do you see yourself as the protagonist of your own movie script?

Are you passionate about social issues that you research on Facebook but are otherwise oblivious to?

Are you in the habit of liking every post without reading it just to get more page visits on your own blog?

Do you blindfold yourself and then type random characters at your keyboard for several minutes?

If you or someone you know identifies with any of these, please nominate them for my new award:

The Stop Blogging Award.

image

This award is designed to give recognition to all sorts of authors, but mostly just the bad ones.

If you’re not sure if you qualify, feel free to private message me and I will pretend to be happy to read what you write.

After all, isn’t that what the WordPress community is all about?

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Hypothetical Avocado

Hypothetical Avocado
You’re my very best friend.
In the breakfast or in the dinner
You’re more than just make pretend.
I can spread you on
Tortillas
Or I can spread you on
Bread.
I can spread you
On chinchillas
Or even on my own head!
Hypothetical Avocado
Don’t ever dare leave my side.
Many fruits come and go.
They are mere passers-by.
I can’t spread them
On potatoes,
I can’t spread them
On rice.
Hypothetical Avocado!
You’re the
Apple
Of my eyes.

A Short Story About a Tool

Husband: “I’m going to buy a wrench at the 99¢ store.”

Wife: “But there’s a tool store right next to it.”

_______(25 minutes later…)________

…Wife is still in the car and she sees the husband walk from the 99¢ store into the tool store.

prompt du jour sticky chicky situation

Daily Prompt: Sticky Chicky Situation

I thought about this all yesterday and all yesternight and finally after much concentration was able to comb through the best of my memories to bring you this one n only true n sticky story:

A few years ago my husband and friends and I would take a lot of road trips in the Mexican state of Michoacán.
Now, if you don’t like to read the news, Michoacán is one of the worst Mexican crisis failed states due to drug trafficking.
The nucleus of the problem resides in the secluded hills surrounding Tierra Caliente, which translates as “Hot Land.”
Tierra Caliente is literally a vast desert region between the Sierra Madre forests and the Pacific Ocean.
The only way to get between the ranches in the secluded hills and civilization is by taking one of two roads- “La Libre,” non-toll road, or “la autopista,” a high-speed toll road.
We lived in Uruapan, (meaning ‘place full of green’ in Purepecha) which is a beautiful town with a National Park full of waterfalls right smack in the middle of it, two hours northeast of the desert.
We would all volunteer at least once a week to go visit deaf people in a city named Apatzingán, situated in the middle of this desert, often taking the “Libre” road to save money.
These roads have military checkpoints along the way because of the drug trafficking ordeal.

Ok, we are getting to the sticky part.
One of our friends had mentioned to an elderly woman in one of the towns that she was experiencing joint pains.
The elderly woman gave her a bottle full of marijuana leaves so she could use them as an ointment.
My friend in her (honest-to-God) innocence, (I don’t want to say naiveness), took the bottle in a gesture of politeness and didn’t think to ask what was inside it.
That week we had decided to stay at some friends’ house for a couple more days and while there our other friend got her period.
She had stuffed all her dirty laundry into her backpack.
Neither my husband nor I nor a third friend were aware of either of these situations.

We had been on the road for only a few minutes when we came upon a checkpoint.
We were accustomed to this and many of the soldiers were also accustomed to seeing us.
We all got off the car except my friend who had the bottle of weed.
My husband opened the trunk as they asked the typical questions:
Where are you from?
Why did you come here?
Where are you going? etc.
He pointed to the backpack and asked us to bring it out.
Our friend, the one on her period, grabbed her backpack full of dirty laundry and stood there hugging it.
The soldier gave her a suspicious look. “What you got in there?”
Friend: “Nothing.”
Soldier: “Let me see that.”
Friend: “No.”
Soldier: “Let me take a look.”
Friend: “No.”
Soldier: “I need to inspect it.”
Friend: “It doesn’t matter how many times you ask me, I’m not going to let you look inside my backpack.”
My husband and I stared in disbelief.
We didn’t know what was going on.
She was acting strange even by our standards.
Finally she managed to stare down the soldier, who I can only imagine must have had several sisters, and he retreated in his requests to invade her personal property.
Exasperated, they let us continue on on our trip.
When we boarded the car again, our other friend, lost in thought, said, “It’s a good thing they didn’t check my bag cause an old lady gave me one of those home-made-remedies.”

Response to WP Daily Prompt: Saved by the Bell

http://34a678f279304f6af329-8555f8f59d0e238c1303d632032f1420.r20.cf3.rackcdn.com/1935-Pope-Releases-Peace-Doves-Which-Are-Promptly-Attacked.jpg

Religion and World Peace

dove release vatican; seagull attacks dove
Girl: “Be free feathered friend!”…Seagull: “Mmm! Free lunch! Yeah!”
crow and seagull attack peace doves
Dove: “Halt! I am a religiously appointed ambassador from the species of man-“
Crow: “I’m not Catholic!”
seagull attacks dove
Dove: “uh-oh.”
seagull attacks dove
Dove: “OUCH OUCH OUCH not the butt feathers!”
Crow attacks dove
Crow: “Hey! Check out my wing span!”
Crow attacks dove
Crow: “Will you stop being so damn pretentious?!?”

When I heard on news radio the other day about the Pope’s peace doves being viciously attacked by other birds, I couldn’t stop laughing for a while and then my husband said, “This is the sort of thing you’re supposed to laugh on the inside.”

Though I do feel bad for the doves. I mean after all they’re just innocent animals being used to convey a human message our leaders can’t seem to get across with words and diplomacy.

Let’s be real though: when people bring up religion, do you think of world peace?

Especially Popes- those guys historically have a lot of blood on their hands.

The prophet Paul said: “Whenever it is that they are saying, ‘Peace and security!’ then sudden destruction is to be instantly on them,” (1 Thessalonians 5:3).

Unfortunately that proved true for the doves.

Bi-Polar Bear Meets the Beep-o-Matic 5000

God of Cookie poem

Prayer to the God of Cookie

God of Cookie poem

Dear God of Cookie
Blesséd be thy dough within.
May each chocolate chip exult thy tasty glory,
And may thy crumbling sugar
Serve to remind us
That we too shall one day crumble
Into this earth.
Forgive our shortcake comings
And please provide a cookie
To every hungry child in this world-
Perhaps redistributing them
From some of the overweight kids.
Help us through indulgence.
Amen.

Bear Messiah Loves You

Bear Messiah Meme

Original Bear Messiah

BiPolar Bear #7 by Ave Valencia

Bi-Polar Bear Has An Appointment