A customer was supposed to call me at 8 AM today, so i dragged myself out of bed and away from my sick cat to come to work early.
But it’s 9:40 now. She never called.
So now i’m stuck here sleepy with no motivation to carry out any of my afternoon tasks, which i only ever finish out of a sense of impending doom, that is to say- the post office closing at 5.
I fear i have failed at being human. If that was my assignment upon my birth- i have entirely failed at it.
My closest friend- cat, really- is sick and she has this look of “help me” in her eyes, “do something,” and after blood work, a biopsy, a cat scan… we are referred to a veterinary dentist who is too busy to respond to our request for an appointment.
My life can’t be normal while her health is in jeopardy. I want to do more for her but i feel so limited.
On top of that, our neighbor decided he did not want to negotiate our keeping the part of our yard he said was his to use, so yesterday he uprooted all our plants there.
My husband had to call our attorney again to get him to replant them in another part of our yard. However they are succulents and they put them in the shade.
I want my plants to survive but i don’t want to nag my husband.
Point being, i feel super vulnerable now, like my world is a snow globe and someone dropped it and now the water is gradually leaking and all the little structures moved from their clay foundations.
Also recently, an acquaintance and i were yelled at by some guy in my neighborhood because we had to knock there as part of our ministry work. He threatened to get violent with us next time we went there, claiming this was the fourth time it had happened.
I kept trying to apologize but his yelling just got louder.
Mind you, it was the first time i had ever been there.
When we had left, i mentioned he looked a lot like a certain famous actor, and pretty much everybody made it about whether or not it was him (mostly making me feel delusional for saying it), and what a great guy the actor probably is, and therefore i must be wrong to think it could be him, and they paid no attention to how the guy had made me feel.
It’s just that… you kind of assume people who send you somewhere or to do something have your back. But sometimes they just don’t care. And i don’t know why i keep expecting them to.
It is as if they are mostly oblivious to my hard work here as far as trying to help others learn about God and the Bible and i feel they treat me like, “What are you still doing here? Didn’t we make it clear you’re not good enough?”
Well i’m probably exaggerating a little and my BPD probably heightens that emotion, but that is how i feel now.
I stopped doing my BPD workbook because it was too painful. It makes you write things out and stuff. The same things over and over again. Then you have to think about them and question your notions.
Those notions never hurt anyone but me and maybe my husband, quite possibly also my mother.
The notion that people tire of me quickly.
The notion that i can’t do anything right.
The notion that people i trust keep important information from me that i deserve to know.
Mostly the notion that i’m in this alone. This whole life thing.
I bought my husband the audio book, “Walking on Eggshells.” I think it has helped his attitude toward me and he’s become more tolerant of my pessimism and more verbal in his commitment to our relationship.
At first, it made me very uncomfortable to hear him say things like, “I will never leave you, i will never abandon you, i won’t let anything bad happen to you.” It can be a bit smothering when you’ve already learned to brave the cold.
But now i try not to make faces when he says that.
He’s probably well-meaning and no one else has ever said stuff like that to me.
Yesterday i showed up at my friend’s vineyard to harvest grapes and it turned out i got the day wrong. She and my husband got a good laugh from that.
It’s a fine line between desperate-for-human-contact and “leave me alone.” Not many could walk it like i do.
So back to this human failure thing. I need to resolve why i feel thus. It’s like i’m an irrelevant observer to the events of this world. My opinions hardly matter beyond our cats. They hardly even matter to me.
I don’t remember if i already wrote about this. A couple friends of mine from our old congregation recently got kicked out of our church. I had studied with one of them. I must have not done a very good job.
So what’s the point? It seems that so far as depending on others goes, they have a tendency to fail me. But others have strong family and friendship ties. So the problem must be me.