Category Archives: Things No One Needs to Know

The Repressed Cookie Fantasy

I had one of those dreams where you know you’re dreaming and you keep trying to wake up but you just wind up in another dream.

In one of the dreams i kept intending to uhm, touch myself? But i was too busy cleaning and taking care of the cats so i never got around to it.

Idk… That just doesn’t seem like the dream of someone who has a healthy sexuality.

I do tend to repress my feelings in that respect.

I can never figure my husband out. Half the time he seems upset at me and the other half he’s tired or busy.

I think he’s good in bed but he’s been pretty critical of my skills the last 3 or 4 years.

I’m guessing that has to do with the whole porn debacle.

I try not to take that stuff personally but it’s like hiking uphill in a hailstorm.

No, that example actually sounds really fun.

It’s like trying to get myself to swim underwater.

See, i’ve never been able to swim underwater. Even when someone holds my body down, some extremity manages to wriggle its way to the surface.

It’s psychological, i’m sure. Some survival mechanism leftover from when my family forgot me in a pool at the age of 2.

(Unrelated: i am terrified of drive thru carwashes).

Where was i going with this? Oh yeah, it’s impossible not to take critiques on your sexuality personally. It is a part of the brain and body that is deeply connected to emotion, not logic.

So i don’t have a high opinion of myself when it comes to sex and i don’t think the world is missing out on anything by me being pretty much dysfunctional in that sense.

I think i’ll be ok as long as there is an ample supply of cookies.

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Me World and the Validation Train

My long lost friend finally found her calendar. We got together a couple times but i’m afraid i talked her ear off, desperate as i am for validation.

Something similar happened yesterday with another friend. I never really talk a whole lot, so when i do, i’m like a train without brakes.

Since my suppressed marriage memories make up such a big portion of my subconscious, i end up flooding my friends with a bunch of personal details- personality maps, if you will- which are useless to them outside of Me World. And let’s face it, the only person who lives in Me World is me.

(It’s not the happiest place on earth, but it’s less crowded than Disneyland).

After a while of bouncing relationship queries off my friend, i came to the realization that the reason i am not happy in my marriage is because he treats me like a live-in girlfriend, not a wife.

I say i’m unhappy in this town. He says he’s sorry and i’m free to leave if i want to. There is never the option of us moving away together.

I say i want kids. He says he’s on board but makes a series of passive aggressive anti-child comments over the next few days.

I ask him for computer technical help. He charges me for the hardware.

???

How did i not see this before?

My friend says i should withhold sex but he’s not really into me in that way. Sure, we still do it on occasion, like most unhappy couples who’ve been together for a long time. But whereas one good* encounter only holds me over for a few weeks, he can go months without touching me.

I know it’s so over- it’s been over for ages- but i love him.

Still, as i was binge watching “Jane the Virgin,” i couldn’t help but feel happy that my husband is real and not some empty fantasy based on a sensationalist script.

It’s so easy to develop feelings for someone else. I believe it’s quite normal. All it takes is to feel your spouse or partner no longer loves you. Then someone smiles at something you said. A charming smile. All of a sudden, there’s sunlight and warmth on your skin. You crave more. You feel relevant. You feel alive.

But it’s silly, right? Because hardly anyone ever stays with the person they cheat with. The person you’d be willing to sacrifice all your hard work for is ultimately poison. They may look like the trampoline to happiness but they are just a slippery stepping stone on your way up a drying creek.

The happiest people on earth are the ones on medication.

Those of us taking a holistic approach can only pride ourselves on our resilience upon hitting the pavement day after day, hour after hour.

Fairy tale love isn’t real. Mr. or Mrs. Right is the person who stays with you despite everything life throws at you. Passion is temporary. Maybe certain people are meant for each other, but they’re so busy looking down at their phones, they miss the smile that would have saved them.

I guess it’s important true love continues to elude most of us. Otherwise Me World might get a little crowded.

*Subject to interpretation

The Hurdles of Turtles

This whole give love generously and love will come to you approach to relationships is not all that rewarding.

It’s been several hours and i have yet to find someone who relates to me.

But it is easier to be transparent than to be constantly creating a hard shell.

It is always easier to be who you really are. I just don’t know if my marriage can handle it.

In the case of my marriage, i have been giving for years. I see how bad relationships can get nowadays. Many an acquaintance has gotten divorced because one of them ran off with another person. Others say they are happily married but their spouses control a lot of their personal choices, like what to do with their time when they’re not together, or who they hang out with.

My husband’s not domineering like that. He doesn’t drink. He cooks for me. Keeps a roof over our heads. Plays with the cats. He doesn’t swear or gamble. He isn’t a bigot.

If he’s in a good mood, there isn’t anything he won’t do if i ask him to, provided he remembers.

So what’s my deal?

I’m not sure whether it’s my own insecurity or if there is substance to my doubts; i’ve always been under the impression that he doesn’t enjoy my personality.

It started right after we got married. We had just moved to Mexico and he hadn’t seen his sister in a couple years. He invited her and her husband to travel with us on our honeymoon.

Of course, she said no.

But i thought it was weird on his part.

A few months later, i was taking him to meet my grandmother nine hours away. He invited his friend to join us.

Those may have just been newlywed blunders but it made me feel insufficient as far as providing satisfactory company and the feeling has been looming over me ever since, like a flock of seagulls over a bag of fries.

More recently, last night at 7:04 PM to be exact, i teased him about something and he immediately overreacted.

In retrospect, i could have been more positive and supportive of his intentions. After all, he does have depression.

But so do i, and i tend to verbalize my pessimism in the form of jokes. (Though you wouldn’t know it from this blog post).

That’s just who i am.

I’ve been trying not to be like that around him and most other people for years. I try to stick to self-deprecating humor. There’s more than enough material.

Right now he’s still asleep and i am probably going to apologize in the morning for not being more sensitive.

And if i want to stay married, i’ll have to keep my thoughts to myself.

But what if i don’t want to do this anymore?

Like i said, he’s a great person, but i suck at relationships. I mean, i have like zero close friends.

So it’s safe to say i will always suck at relationships. I will always mumble something that’s only funny to me underneath my breath. He will ask and not get it or get offended. I will feel like a burden. I will want to disappear.

I will never be happy within this cycle because i will never be me.

Is there even anyone out there who doesn’t find me overly salty? I doubt it. I’ve met a lot of people and i have more in common with my husband than with anyone else, yet i’m still not good enough.

I must be lacking some emotional gene. The one that makes you patient.

That’s probably it. I don’t have the magical patience gene.

What i wanted to write about is this: my mother is 67. She has type 1 diabetes and as of this week, she has to inject herself after every meal.

This has been a wakeup call for me as far as how i should plan for the next few years of my life.

I have often said i want to have children, and my husband is supportive of that. But suddenly, i’m not sure i can do this. A few days ago, it was very important to me that my mom have a chance to meet my kids while she still can- but do i really want to be stuck in this me-not-me cycle for the rest of my life?

To complicate things, i finally found a psychology program in the field i want, which is child psychology. I had been looking for that specialty for a couple years.

(I can be patient towards children. Adults- not so much).

On the one hand, i need my husband because i depend on him. I respect and love him, and i can’t just pick that up on an app. He said he’s willing to have children with me now.

On the other hand, i’m not sure he even likes me. I mean, there’s no passion. No initiative to get to know me deeper. And i find that utterly crushing.

Life would be so much simpler if people just loved each other for who they are.

I wish i was a turtle.

Adult Friendships and Other Unrealistic Goals

The concert came and went but Ave the guitarist continued to feel as lonesome and restless as ever.

Their performance had been subspectacular. It was about a hair below mediocre. But most importantly, it was done.

She hadn’t given up, not even when she had to write the letters next to the notes on the sheet music to keep up with the other musicians. Not even when her custom ordered guitar hadn’t come. She marched up on that stage, trudged right along through every measure, well, maybe not every measure.

Ok so she skipped a few measures here and there. But she stuck it out and took a bow with the rest of them.

I’m not sure why i was writing about myself in third person but i’m going to stop that now.

This was a difficult project i undertook. The women i met were very supportive and wonderful. Everyone was. I wish it wasn’t so time consuming. I wish i was rich and could devote myself to all of my art projects without neglecting any.

I had planned on finishing my novel this year. But if i stay in chamber music, i won’t have time for that or to do the illustrations on a book my dad’s self-publishing.

If i let a lot of time go by between drawing or photo projects, i start to feel like i’m losing myself. The same thing happens when i go a couple weeks without giving any Bible classes.

But like i said, the ladies i played guitar with were so supportive and it’s hard to find people like that.

I recently texted an old friend. She wanted to hang out and said she’d check her calendar and get back to me. It’s been a week and a half. I think it’s safe to assume she can’t find her calendar.

Something similar happened with a childhood friend of mine who texted me in January to hang out in February. She never texted me when the time came, so i texted her a few weeks later and she never replied. I’m pretty sure she was drunk the first time she texted me back in January.

It’s hard for me to put myself out there and get met with rejection. I work in Sales so i’m rather used to it, but it’s not the same. I always try to act like it’s ok and it doesn’t matter. I just go on living my life as normal. Sometimes i hear the women in my congregation got together to do this or that and i feel bad because i get left out.

I get that no one really gets my sense of humor. Those who do get it already have their own tight circle; they don’t need new close friends. I’m somehow outside their comfort zone.

At least i have my husband, but he’s always asleep or on his phone or at the gym or at his parents’.

I guess i’m just not that fun to be around. Like on a fun scale i’d probably be just the scale, not even a number.

Tonight i called my mom to invite her to come conduct a Bible study with me. But she’s too busy. The other day she came to a nearby city to a baby shower. I was sort of jealous.

I can’t even remember the last time i was invited to a baby shower. The clothes are so cute, and the little shoes make me teary-eyed. I think i was eight.

I really don’t get it. I even texted this guy i’ve been trying to be friends with for like a year now, because we have a lot in common. The one i said was my soulmate. But that’s pretty much unilateral, as so many of my relationships are. As was the conversation.

He didn’t reply. I deleted his number. It hurts too much to reach out in the dark for someone and be ignored. Anyway, I was just trying to be nice. At least that’s what i thought i was doing.

But let’s revisit my childhood traumas for just a second. Our home was so very small and i was always in everybody’s way. I wanted to disappear. I started overdosing on over the counter painkillers.

That was fun.

When we lived in Mexico, the consensus in the congregation was that i was somehow holding my husband back. So i mixed the painkillers with cleaning liquids and eventually alcohol.

That wasn’t so fun.

The last time i did that, i was 32. My husband had stormed out of the house, angry about something. I was taking my heartrate as i downed the bottle. It was somewhere in the 30s.

Someone called me from a different congregation. She said i sounded weird. I told her i was alright. After hanging up, i put away the bottle.

My dad used to work as a cab driver and that lady was always calling me to ask if he could take her to the doctor’s. It was irritating and i ended up blocking her. But i think God used her that one time.

I never liked it that my dad worked as a cab driver and spent all that time alone with women passengers. It must have bothered me every night for about 23 years.

I don’t know how my mom could handle that. Perhaps i’m far too insecure.

The point is i was suicidal then, but i’m not now. And maybe most people around me never even notice i’m there, so it’s hard for me to part ways with my guitarristas, because they gave me the impression that they cared.

I guess i can always conjure up my imaginary ex-boyfriend. I wonder what he’s up to these days.

My Unborn Child Was a Stomach Bug

I am definitely not cut out to be a guitarist. I have not enjoyed the last few days or the idea of having to do this concert.

Now the day has finally arrived and i wish i could stay in bed all day.

What is the point of performing chamber music in a theater setting? That’s not what it was composed for. It was composed for chamber settings. Small intimate rooms. It’s in the name.

I try not to think about my lost guitar in Mexico or the asshole who never delivered it. I can’t expend energy on being upset.

There will be time for that tomorrow.

Our sextet ensemble kinda sucks and that’s a little depressing. I know the music well but when i’m in public, i blank at random intervals. At this point, i’ve played every piece hundreds of times, but i still blank.

I wasn’t blanking before last week so it is either because i switched to a different sized guitar or because of performance anxiety.

My dad used to say that what you were trying to do doesn’t matter. The only thing that’s important is the end result. My brother and i never agreed with him.

I specifically asked my parents not to come to the concert.

He once advised me not to eat sugar before a show to help with my anxiety. So i stopped drinking chocolate and Coke a week ago and i’ve been in a pretty bad mood.

It’s just not worth it.

And the thing is, i never felt this much dislike of performing when i was just singing. But i do wonder if it’s this bad just because it’s a new experience to me, and it could improve over time?

Or is my bitterness from not receiving my guitar oozing into other aspects of my musical life?

To be honest, lately i don’t enjoy anything, other than food and television. (I was a tv addict as a child until my parents canceled cable).

I feel very inept as a human. I think i would be a very good cat or koala. Anything that’s supposed to sleep for most of the day. I could get Panda of the Year, i bet.

I thought i was pregnant for a few days and that was exciting. But that turned out to be a stomach bug. My breasts were itchy but that was because my washer didn’t rinse out my bras well enough. My back was hurting but that was probably because the guitar i switched to is heavier than my other one. I gained a little weight but that’s just what i tend to do.

Then i read online that if you’re very thirsty or have fever, it’s just a stomach flu, not pregnancy. And i have been very thirsty and a little feverish.

But yesterday i had a nice surprise. When i got home there was a pot of flowers on the table with a card. My husband said he didn’t know who had brought them for me.

I opened the card and it turned out they were for my mother in law who lives next door.

My in-laws are the only people i invited to the concert, other than my husband, but they won’t be able to go.

Maybe i can enjoy the concert more if i think of it as a team-failing exercise. I always fail alone, but this time i get to fail as a team.

I probably shouldn’t tell them that.

I Didn’t Actually Kill Anyone

It’s a strange feeling when you get near a peak, turn around to take in the scenery and realize you accidentally pushed your partner off the ledge a long time ago.

(This is a metaphor; i didn’t actually kill anyone).

Not that they would have died in this metaphor situation. No. They just dusted themselves off and went on as if they never really knew you.

But whatever you did- you didn’t do it on purpose. So now you’re stuck somewhere by your lonely sorry ass self, hating all off your own fibers that stitch you together. But it’s ok, because you deserve the pain. You should have never tried to bring anyone along for the ride.

Who needs a soulmate anyway? Soulmates aren’t even a real thing.

I mean, i’m bilingual, and i have fundamental knowledge of at least two other languages, and i’m learning a 5th. So i have a pretty broad pool of people i could potentially communicate with. Now if we take a 10 year cushion on either side of my generation, how many people were born in that 20 year span that i can potentially relate to?

Now how many of them are vegetarians?

How many of them are musicians?

How many of them share my general view of the future?

How many of them could guess what i’m thinking when i can’t remember the right word?

How many of them have similar priorities?

I’m guessing about 1.5 billion people were in the initial soulmate pool. Let’s assume about 95% of those are still alive.

So about 1.4 billion people.

About 22% of which are vegetarians. Equals 313 million people.

No one knows how many musicians there are on earth but lets say that out of 50 people, i know about 5, myself included.

So that brings us to 31 million people. .001% of whom might share my religious convictions. Equals 31,350.

About 11% of that is how many people i can speak with fluently... 3,348.5.

Not counting me, that’s 3,347.5 potential soulmates. Roughly around 0.00004% of the earth’s population. One out of every 25,000 that i meet.

Obviously i can’t measure things like chemistry or the way the color of the sky bounces off their eyes, or the warmth of their voice, or the angle their lips curl at when they laugh, or the way they carry themselves when they think i’m in any potential danger… Or the way they rip my heart out when they realize i’m not who they expected.

But none of that matters because i would have pushed them off the ledge regardless.

So that brings us to 3,346.5.

I wonder what percentage of people are irreplaceable.

I Saw The Sign

To leave or not to leave… That is the question.

I have always been the sort of person who freaks out a little when things don’t go as planned. I am not an emotionally stable person, so i try to be as methodical as possible to mitigate overreacting.

Basically i’m like a cat when it comes to change. Hug me at 6 AM. You better not forget to open the curtains. Feed me dinner by 6 PM. Clean my litter box before bed or there will be consequences.

I do love a good adventure, but i have to mentally prepare for it.

I like to read the last page of a book before i buy it, or read a movie synopsis before i go see it.

Some surprises are good, like when my husband does the dishes. But my parents have never tried to visit me without warning. They know i would cry for at least two days straight.

I’ve even thought about preordering my tombstone engraving, just so i can see how it all turns out in the end.

“Here rests Ave, beloved wife, sister, writer.”

Nah, my husband might not say that about me.

Today i was supposed to go to chamber music practice and then have a dinner date with him and go watch a Chinese ballet. You know, the one that’s being advertised all over the place.

But he changed our plans and now we are having dinner at home before the show.

I don’t want to be driving back and forth all afternoon, so i decided not to go to music practice and just stay at work.

Now i just had a work emergency and it was a good thing i was here to take care of it.

It’s funny how something that initially upset me turned out to be for the better.

It makes me wonder if my whole life God has been trying to direct me to better things and i’ve been too stubborn in my life plans.

Maybe i was never meant to be a missionary. Or a minister. Or a photographer, singer, guitarist or dancer. Not even a mother. Or maybe i was and i just missed all the right turns, because i was too focused on the road way farther ahead.

Now i’m stuck in Today world, always waiting for something better, wondering why nothing is how i expected it to be.

I used to read advice online that said the best way to achieve your goals is to stick to them no matter what. “You’ll get there eventually.”

But my life doesn’t seem to align with that trajectory at all, at least not as far as personal happiness is concerned.

It seems that the more i pursue things that once made me happy, the more problems i have in my relationships.

If i try to serve God, soon someone points out what i’m doing wrong. If i try to sing, the classes interfere with work or homelife. If i try to promote my own art projects, come to find out hardly anyone cares. If i try to get pregnant, someone breaks my heart.

It’s my husband. My husband breaks my heart.

And yet, he’s the reason i stayed at work this afternoon and was able to handle the work emergency, to my boss’ relief.

So how do i know the difference between a sign and just circumstance? Like yesterday, when my husband was mad at me and said he was going to hire a prostitute… Was that a sign i should smack him?

My life is confusing. It’s not a journey. It’s not a story. I’m not meant to run away from it. I’m not meant to fastforward it to the good parts. No one really needs me around but no one wants me to leave.

I’m not going anywhere anyways.

Triangles and Sandwiches

Today was kind of a funny day. I ran into my old high school crush and i invited him to lunch with me and my husband and my little teenage girl friend. We were at a church event in the parking lot.

He was a lot quieter than when i last talked to him aone. But that’s understandable- he’s always been on the cautious side of words, and he might have been nervous about finally meeting my husband.

We were pretty close in high school, but a year after his graduation, he eloped with an older woman. Didn’t hear from him for 19 years, until last summer, when they moved back to the west coast.

Early on in the conversation, i noticed my friend’s (a.k.a. soulmate’s) car parked a few feet away. The windows were open. I didn’t see anyone inside and since he is in the habit of leaving his car unlocked, i started to plan what joke i would play on him, all the while my husband and my high school crush got to know each other better.

Finally i announced that i was going to play a joke on my friend, but my husband and little teenage girl friend cautioned me that he was probably asleep inside the car. They were right. Though i really can’t confirm that he was asleep. It is quite possible that he’d been eavesdropping the whole time.

So i scratched the joke. But when i realized that he could probably hear everything we were saying, i wondered at our curious circumstances. There i was with the man i am legally bound to in this life, reconnecting with the first man i ever thought i loved, being listened to by the man i wish i could be with.

The day would have been strange enough with just one or the other, but all three?

My husband was very cordial to my high school crush, and nice to me all day. That was a relief.

But every now and then i see him a little worried about my relationship with my soulmate. Like today after the whole ordeal, when i went up to my friend’s car, knocked, and gave him a granola bar. I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. He has his life/family. I have mine. We are never alone. There is no occasion for anything else to develop.

Then again, life does have a very funny way of bringing people together. But nah.

My Life As A Tumblr Cone Avatar

I’ve been reduced to a Cone avatar on Tumblr. But i’ll be ok. It’s for the best. I spent way too much time writing depressing bits of my day, exploring imaginary platonic relationships.

I only had like three followers. The rest were porn spambots.

How do porn spambots flourish on a site that blurs a picture of a cat dressed as Captain America?

I had trouble logging into this WordPress account because i thought i had used a fake email. Turns out it was my real email all along.

On the bright side, now i get to delight you, WordPress Reader, with the best depressing bits of my day. And all the juicy details of my “love life” which has built up so much potential over the years.

I am now an aspiring amateur musician. I was already an amateur musician before, but now that i’ve realized how much better than me other guitarists are, i’ve demoted myself to aspiring amateur. Musician.

Remember the guy i used to write Latin poetry for? Like 7 years ago? No? I googled him the other day. He’s married now. To his girlfriend. The one he left me for. When we were building our bond as ex-coworkers.

I have since found my soulmate, but he weaves in and out of my life like a hungry cat. Every time he distances himself from me, i have filled the void with my studies of classical music.

I am the most improved student in my class.

Today i walked into a music store and there was a guitarist there talking me up, like i totally thought- He’s going to ask me out.

Then i started to play and he must have seen my wedding ring because he left without getting my number.

I almost ran after him just to ask if he didn’t want it.

Of course, i wouldn’t have given it to him. I’m married.

I went to a Dance Club meeting today at the community college. I’ve been enrolled since last semester but i hadn’t been there in three months. The guy in charge is a really sweet kid. He makes choreography fit for his age. I cannot keep up with him. But it’s fun to try.

None of the dance professors will take responsibility for the club so we end up dancing out on the grass. We used to practice by the Performing Arts building, but too many teachers complained their students were ogling at us.

Hardly anyone meets anymore. Today there was a guy who wanted me to play guitar instead of dancing. He plays keyboard. Or is learning to. I think he was there by mistake?

Then he left and Tito (the club organizer) and i went outside to practice. He wants me to take Zumba classes to get in better shape.

…Boy, this is probably why no one meets. Choreography is too damn fast.

But it’s fun.

Maybe i should keep using my tumblr account and just write from the point of view of a Cone.

Too Charming for Myself

Last time the a/c technician came to the office, he kind of asked me for my phone number and i kind of said No.
Today he is here again and i think i made him cry.
I told him no one told me he was coming.
It is unnerving for a guy to just show up and want to come in, and i think he got sad.
I just passed him down the hall and gave him my best fake smile i have to offer.
Charmed, no doubt.

This morning i went to do ministry work which is done this way in my congregation:
Whoever is a member of that congregation or an active member of another congregation can meet at a set time at our hall.
In our hall it is only in the mornings and since i work most mornings and oversleep the other mornings, (without mentioning the mornings on which i do both), i tend to only make my own arrangements and go out in the evenings.
But i try to show up Fridays and Saturdays to the group meetings when i can.
Today only one brother was going out in the ministry.
He is a Vietnam Vet and has a lot of stories.
(We don’t go to war but that was before he studied the Bible).
He is retired and married but his wife died twice and the paramedics brought her back to life.
(“Oh Well,” he says).
Now she is overweight and can’t really walk anymore, so he is always alone or with this single younger brother who is a little socially awkward, but i’ll leave his stories for another day.
So this brother is from Central America and he’s always contrasting his childhood on a coffee farm with the time he spent in trenches in Vietnam.
Later in life he had other jobs, the last of which was a lawyer.
Today we were speaking with a genuine hippie, the kind you only find in Ojai, Seattle or Oregon.
Mr. Hippie owns a big property (big by California standards) and feeds wild animals from scraps he finds in the neighbors’ trash bins.
He bathes in the creek or ocean with his clothes on.
(Thank God).
I’m pretty sure he was stoned the whole time we were talking to him.
You see, people round here are not that nice.
But he invited us to take a seat and the brother i was with was telling him his war stories while a woman who rents a room on the property overheard and was visibly disgusted.
That is the problem with people round here.
No one wants to hear the truth.
They just want to paint butterflies on their walls and build water fountains out of rocks they find in their neighbor’s driveway.
Still, despite his probably being stoned, we had a good conversation about making conscientious use of the earth’s natural resources.
He pretty much thinks everything humans do is damaging and we are bound to destroy ourselves.
I tried to read him a couple verses from the Bible about the future but if you are a woman, perhaps you can relate to the following:
There is a point when a woman is having a conversation with a man when you know he is dismissing your opinions as not having any serious weight to them because he is seeing you as a sex object.
Confirmation of this suspicion came when he proceeded to ask me my age.
What the hell, you go talk to people about God and stuff and guy just wants to know if you’re young enough to bear his offspring.
Of course i only put two and two together because he held his gaze for too long.
I was uncomfortable but the brother i was with didn’t seem to notice and kept sharing war anecdotes.
I don’t mind that the brother strays off topic because i wonder what his mind would be like if he didn’t have anyone to share his traumas with.
He could be one of those homeless guys who heckle my friend and me at the park.
Vets have been through a lot and though i am opposed to war, they do not get the social help they need- that is more than obvious.

I am still adjusting to the local small town artsy culture there is here.
I still haven’t decided if i have any friends yet.
One sister whom i spend a lot of time with and yeah, she’s pretty cool, kind of keeps hinting that she wants to see my twitter account but i don’t think our relationship is there yet.
At least i’m not.
(My account is public but i dunno. It’s a big step).
There is a sister who i was getting along great with but last time i saw her she kind of got on my case about not meeting in the mornings and i am the kind of person that usually doesn’t reply… but the more i think about it, the more i wish i had said, “Uhm some of us have to work.” and possibly even be more insulting because she lives off a trust her husband has and he is a little bit disabled, and she doesn’t work because she has asthma.
I have asthma too but i work.
So it is just irritating when people pressure you to do more and you already feel like you’re doing the best you can and instead of asking how they can support you, they focus on what you can’t do.
Don’t get me wrong, i love everybody, at least in theory.
But when things like that happen i don’t have anyone that i can talk to about it because i am supposed to be this model minister who gives discreet answers to stoned hippies and doesn’t tell off the homeless guys who heckle her at the park, she doesn’t tell people to mind their own business when they ask about her personal schedule and she doesn’t talk about her bouts of depression because she is supposed to be always happy and smiling and encouraging and God i hate everyone, i swear everything i do is all out of love to God and no one else.