This whole give love generously and love will come to you approach to relationships is not all that rewarding.
It’s been several hours and i have yet to find someone who relates to me.
But it is easier to be transparent than to be constantly creating a hard shell.
It is always easier to be who you really are. I just don’t know if my marriage can handle it.
In the case of my marriage, i have been giving for years. I see how bad relationships can get nowadays. Many an acquaintance has gotten divorced because one of them ran off with another person. Others say they are happily married but their spouses control a lot of their personal choices, like what to do with their time when they’re not together, or who they hang out with.
My husband’s not domineering like that. He doesn’t drink. He cooks for me. Keeps a roof over our heads. Plays with the cats. He doesn’t swear or gamble. He isn’t a bigot.
If he’s in a good mood, there isn’t anything he won’t do if i ask him to, provided he remembers.
So what’s my deal?
I’m not sure whether it’s my own insecurity or if there is substance to my doubts; i’ve always been under the impression that he doesn’t enjoy my personality.
It started right after we got married. We had just moved to Mexico and he hadn’t seen his sister in a couple years. He invited her and her husband to travel with us on our honeymoon.
Of course, she said no.
But i thought it was weird on his part.
A few months later, i was taking him to meet my grandmother nine hours away. He invited his friend to join us.
Those may have just been newlywed blunders but it made me feel insufficient as far as providing satisfactory company and the feeling has been looming over me ever since, like a flock of seagulls over a bag of fries.
More recently, last night at 7:04 PM to be exact, i teased him about something and he immediately overreacted.
In retrospect, i could have been more positive and supportive of his intentions. After all, he does have depression.
But so do i, and i tend to verbalize my pessimism in the form of jokes. (Though you wouldn’t know it from this blog post).
That’s just who i am.
I’ve been trying not to be like that around him and most other people for years. I try to stick to self-deprecating humor. There’s more than enough material.
Right now he’s still asleep and i am probably going to apologize in the morning for not being more sensitive.
And if i want to stay married, i’ll have to keep my thoughts to myself.
But what if i don’t want to do this anymore?
Like i said, he’s a great person, but i suck at relationships. I mean, i have like zero close friends.
So it’s safe to say i will always suck at relationships. I will always mumble something that’s only funny to me underneath my breath. He will ask and not get it or get offended. I will feel like a burden. I will want to disappear.
I will never be happy within this cycle because i will never be me.
Is there even anyone out there who doesn’t find me overly salty? I doubt it. I’ve met a lot of people and i have more in common with my husband than with anyone else, yet i’m still not good enough.
I must be lacking some emotional gene. The one that makes you patient.
That’s probably it. I don’t have the magical patience gene.
What i wanted to write about is this: my mother is 67. She has type 1 diabetes and as of this week, she has to inject herself after every meal.
This has been a wakeup call for me as far as how i should plan for the next few years of my life.
I have often said i want to have children, and my husband is supportive of that. But suddenly, i’m not sure i can do this. A few days ago, it was very important to me that my mom have a chance to meet my kids while she still can- but do i really want to be stuck in this me-not-me cycle for the rest of my life?
To complicate things, i finally found a psychology program in the field i want, which is child psychology. I had been looking for that specialty for a couple years.
(I can be patient towards children. Adults- not so much).
On the one hand, i need my husband because i depend on him. I respect and love him, and i can’t just pick that up on an app. He said he’s willing to have children with me now.
On the other hand, i’m not sure he even likes me. I mean, there’s no passion. No initiative to get to know me deeper. And i find that utterly crushing.
Life would be so much simpler if people just loved each other for who they are.
I wish i was a turtle.